How Do Fantasy Characters Stay so Thin?
Thank you to S.K. Nicholls for letting me write a guest blog for her blog. I am Charles E Yallowitz and I’m the author behind the new fantasy series Legends of Windemere. I asked for a topic and my generous host suggested weight loss. Everyone is trying to lose weight, but I was a little hard-pressed to tie this into my new book’s release. Then it hit me that so many characters are thin and in shape. What is their secret? I’m here to share some of those secrets.
- Fire Magic– You think spellcasters only learn fire magic for destroying their enemies? I don’t think so. Cast enough fire magic in an enclosed room and you heat it up to sweat the pounds away. A little water magic to make some mist and you have a sauna.
- Hunting is More Hazardous– We complain about bears and wolves hunting us if we’re hunting a deer. Imagine if alongside those animals, you have dragons, orcs, and trolls on the prowl. You have to take what you can get and the pickings can be rather slim in the winter. Adventuring is a test of your stomach and willpower.
- Trail Rations– Nuts, berries, and dried meat are what these typically are. High energy and nutrition, but not exciting enough to overindulge in. So, you get the energy to continue walking without putting on the gluttony pounds.
- No Public Transportation– You can’t take the bus to your next adventure. Heroes have to walk and wear out their boots to get to their treasure-filled hordes. This also means that they have to spend more money on shoes than food. Ever try to fight an orc horde while bare-foot? It isn’t pretty.
- Dragons!– These heroes live in a world where they are not at the top of the food chain. A lot of predators that want human for lunch can fly, breathe fire, and do so many horrific things that one wonders how the human race is still alive. There’s our smarts and use of weapons and magic to keep us alive. For many heroes, it’s the ability to run in full armor like terrified bunny rabbit. Running is great cardio and a dragon chasing after you is amazing motivation.
- Heavy Metal– The weapons and armor of heroes seem to be made for bodybuilders. The swords are heavy and the armor either weighs a ton or tighter than spandex. So, you’re going to get in shape simply by using your gear or to avoid embarrassing armor rolls around the gut.
- Magic– People cheat. We have plastic surgeons and surgeries. Fantasy worlds have magic that can erase your fat or transform it. I hate them too for this one.
- Dwarven Ale– It’s amazing with all the drinking that heroes do that they don’t end up with beer guts until they’re retired or slated to do during the adventure. Only one thing can explain this. Dwarven ale has the magically properties to taste delicious and have zero calories. You gain more weight from drinking water than this stuff. The trade-off is that eventually you will wake up with a beer gut and be forced to talk about your old warrior days. At least until you’re the first to die in a climactic encounter and have to make your good-bye speech.
- Natural Selection– With all of the monsters and evil magic around, maybe those with slow metabolisms simply died off. Only the naturally slender survived to breed while monsters feasted on those that gained two pounds from a simple piece of chocolate. I mean what is up with that? I eat one Hershey bar and I go up a pants size?
- No Office Jobs– The people of fantasy worlds have manual labor jobs and there are no cubicles. So, it’s rather reasonable to assume that such lifestyles help them keep in some kind of shape. Even a clerk has to get up and hunt through scrolls or walk to another office instead of using a computer.