We are Orlando. Let us Grieve.

I’ve lived in the Orlando area since 1997. From a small town in GA, when I came here, I spent my first three years closed up in my little house, afraid. I was scared to venture out beyond the confines of my little world. I came from a place where everyone knew each other’s name and I had dozens of friends. Here, there were only strangers. I made a few friends at the resort where I was living and they insisted on taking me out to see the city.


I fell in love with the beautiful city. Each enclave offered its lakes and parks, alfresco cafes, and night spots. At thirty-six, with a good career in nursing, single, and an extroverted personality, I made a world of friends. These were people with all sorts of backgrounds, from millionaires to paupers, every race, creed, culture, and gender imaginable. The diversity was part of the beauty of it. The people were warm, accepting and caring, always treating each other with respect. Beautiful people accepting me without question. So many people from so many places.


There were a couple of neighborhoods I was warned to stay away from because I was told crime was rampant and it wasn’t safe. I didn’t venture there. I went to “safe” places. I went to clubs like Blackfin, Sky Sixty, Cactus Club, Pulse, The Peacock Room, Embers and Tabu. These weren’t “gay” clubs, but due to the fact that Orlando has high population of LGBT people, the clubs were frequented by a variety of people. Yes, you heard that right, Pulse is not a gay club. It is an Orlando Nightclub…like dozens of others, where gay and straight people mingle, share hopes and dreams, talk about life, dance and drink, socialize, and come to know that we aren’t so very different.


We don’t ask people what their sexual orientation or gender identity is before we take the cab they’re driving, before they bag our groceries, pour our drink, take our food order, assign our hotel room, draw our blood, prescribe our medication, or sell us a house. It’s not something we think about as we go about our daily living. It doesn’t matter. We come to realize that we are them and they are us.


We live, play, work, and socialize together, and we are safe, regardless of our sexual orientation or gender identity. We are around beautiful, accepting, loving individuals who support each other. That’s the Orlando I have learned to love.


The traffic is awful, the city is crowded, particularly in winter, crime creeps out of the ghettos from time to time, the bus schedule is terrible, we can wait over an hour for a cab—as  a city, it has its share of problems—sexual orientation and gender identity do not factor into Orlando’s list of problems. To the contrary, we’re all working together to resolve any problems we have in this city.


I’m a grandmother now, no longer out in the clubbing scene. My children are in their thirties. My daughter and son-in-law have reached maturity here. Their friends are as diverse as my own. My son-in-law works downtown at various restaurants and has become acquainted with many.


Saturday, June 12th, was my son-in-law’s birthday. I agreed to keep the grandkids so they could go out on the town to celebrate. The three kids were to spend the night with me. Daddy and Mama went to a scheduled concert. They love music and dancing. After the concert they took a cab to SkySixty and danced a while. They went to Pulse, as it was a mere half mile from their home.


They arrived at 1:00 am. They had a couple of drinks, but the dance floor was crowded and the Latin Reggae was loud. I had texted them that my grandson was crying for his mama and daddy. They both got on the phone to console him. They decided not to stay for last call. They left and stopped by Walgreen’s on Michigan on the way home. Their receipt reads 1:55 am.


Sunday morning, I logged onto FaceBook and saw the breaking news. I dropped my coffee cup and grabbed the phone. I had not heard from my daughter since that phone call after 1:00 am. I called her number. It went straight to voice mail. I called my son-in-law’s number and it, too, went to voice mail.


I got into my car and drove the ten blocks to their house and banged on the door. No answer. I called my husband in tears. He told me to come home. I sat for hours waiting to hear something while the kids slept in the next room.


At 11:30 am I saw a FB post from my s-i-l saying they had been at Pulse 15 minutes before the tragedy. I called again and finally reached my daughter. She was home safe and had not heard me knocking. Her sleep had been disrupted by the helicopters flying overhead all night. She was unaware of what had happened at Pulse only minutes after they had left until her husband told her. She rushed to my home to hug her kids…to hug her kids like so many weren’t able to do that morning. My few hours of wondering and waiting are nothing compared to the despair of the hundreds that never made contact, they will never see their loved ones alive again.


My s-i-l and daughter had seen the man in a dark shirt and pants who looked out of place, off by himself, sipping a drink. Not mingling with the crowd, not dressed like the crowd. He stood out to them. He calmly scanned the room as if he were waiting on someone. They remember the faces of people talking, laughing, dancing, and having a good time.


I was saddened, but felt relief at the same time. How dare I?


Gratitude mingled with a darker, deeper pain than I had felt in my entire life.


Today. Another day that many won’t be able to share in.


Today. Through the tears, the eyes of Orlandoans speak to each other now of shared pain, loss, deep sadness, disbelief — and support. We’re sharing our soul with the world.


The eyes meet, and there is an instant and undeniable bonding. Family, friends, acquaintances, total strangers on the street, people sitting in a McDonalds, seeking guidance in a house of worship, in line at a blood bank, dropping flowers at a vigil, delivering pizzas to volunteers around hospitals, mayors, cops, people just out wandering because they don’t know what else to do, journalists…all of us.


We look at each other, and we know. We’re in this together: our flesh, our blood, our very lives; even now, the fear that someone we know, or the possibility that we already know of someone we know, was ruthlessly, meaninglessly, terrifyingly, tragically attacked when a man entered a nightclub with guns and shot and shot and shot.


It’s personal here.

This is so unexpected.


Not the attack. I think every American wonders today if they’ll be in that school or theater or office or post office or church or nightclub when that guy, heavily armed and bent on horror, enters. We all knew it could happen here. We might in our wildest nightmares never have thought it could be so awful. But the sad truth is, it was no surprise.


What is so unexpected is the widespread phenomena we’re witnessing of ordinary Orlandoans speaking to each other through those eyes, past the tears, with that look that says, we’re in this together.


“So, where are you from?”


We’re from here now, baby, Orlando, the City Beautiful. The City Sad.


And that soul, yeah, it’s here. How else could a simple nod make strangers feel like brothers and sisters? We’re in this together.


From Kissimmee to Sanford, Bithlo to Clermont and especially in the neighborhoods of the city proper, the Soul of Orlando is baring itself.


It’s tough yet open, forced to be dynamic and flexible because of all the new people arriving, because of the need to make close friends quickly with people from anywhere, and of any background. It’s willing to embrace people it did not know, and new places and new things.


Yes, Orlando is a city of theme parks and hotels and restaurants and all kinds of touristy things. They’re not for Orlandoans. They’re where Orlandoans work. That maid in the hotel: she might be from Puerto Rico. She might have lost her son Sunday morning. And if so, when she’s done making beds, she’ll go home to her little house in Azalea Park and cry, just as she did all day Sunday. That waiter in the restaurant: he might be from a small town in Arkansas. He might have lost his partner or spouse Sunday morning. And if so, after he’s done serving $30 steaks to conventioneers on expense accounts, he’ll go home to his bungalow in Thornton Park and cry. That Cinderella: she might be an actress from Chicago. She might have lost her best friend Sunday morning. And if so, when she’s done smiling for pictures with a hundred more children who need only for her to smile, she’ll go home to her apartment in Dr. Phillips and cry.


With luck, their neighbors, the bank tellers and office managers and appliance salesmen whom the out-of-towners will never meet, will come over with casseroles or bottles, hugs and tissues. They all are bound by the Soul of Orlando. They are Orlando.


So America, just talk to us like we’re humans, not votes. We’re just flesh and blood, as you can see. 


The talk from the local leaders when they’re not saying the obligatory things about the facts of the case, when they’re talking about what they really want to talk about, it’s about Orlando togetherness, and community. It’s talk about how the community came together with nourishment, water, and blood…and most significantly, love.


It’s not just words. It’s balm, from one Orlandoan to another.


Some other people, mostly from out of town, already are making the Pulse nightclub massacre about issues such as radical Islamic terrorism, the need for gun control, open carry, immigration, hateful things about gays, red meat for the partisan base, and, ultimately, elections.


To them, we Orlandoans say, with no due respect whatsoever, STFU. More politely, that means, stop. Please. And the lieutenant governor of Texas can go to hell. Trump and Hillary can go to hell…already pledging to attack Isis, when there is no evidence that Isis or Syria was involved in the design of this attack. Yes, the killer had influences. He was psychologically deranged. We all have influences. Don’t use them to be like him.


Orlandoans are not ready for any of that yet. The rest of America might be, but the rest of America is not Orlando, where we’re in shock, where we’re hurting in a way we could have never imagined. America, we just need you to give us a moment.


Let us grieve for a while before you make it about whatever it is you want to make it about.


This is a community mourning 49 dead, 53 wounded, and more than a million hearts with holes in them. It’s a lot of partners and spouses, family and friends, co-workers and neighbors of the dead and wounded, who need nothing more than support. And it’s the rest of us grappling with what we can do, whom we can help, how we can be there for all the rest, and how, in the meantime, we can address these holes in our own hearts. Because we’re all Orlandoans now. A nod’s a good start. A hug. A tissue. A shared cry.


And we know it won’t end there. Maybe for the first time, for the worst possible reason, we know:

We are Orlando.


50 thoughts on “We are Orlando. Let us Grieve.

    1. I made the mistake of thanking their guardian angels online as I expressed condolences and was immediately attacked by someone who asked, “What about the guardian angels of the ones who died?” I said, “I am both saddened and relived. I’m sorry if that offends you.” What else could I say?

          1. Jill is right. You have every right to feel relief and express it. You weren’t being insensitive; the other person was. Believe me, I was relieved to know that your daughter and s.i.l. weren’t there when it happened.

            1. They lost five friends that night. Another friend of our lost three and his son was supposed to be there for a party and got called out of town for work. Grief and gratitude.

      1. Someone trying to police your emotions. I’m not surprised. But wow, I am so glad for you and your family that they left in time. And so sorry you had to suffer all that time. Yes, it pales beside what other parents are going through right now, but this isn’t a suffering competition. Much love, Susan. Sorry for jumping in here instead of writing my own comment.

        1. Oh don’t be sorry. All the words anywhere help. I used to find it hard, sometimes, to express condolences beyond, “Sorry for your loss/pain, etc…” But seeing all these people and their families and friends break down…people standing in line at the grocery store today were talking and crying…I couldn’t help myself, I had to cry with them. Strangers hugging each other in public. It’s certainly made us all a little less of a stranger.

  1. Susan, I knew you lived in Fliorida but didn’t realize you lived in Orlando. I am so thankful your daughter and her husband are safe. My heart just breaks for Orlando and all effected by such a hateful senseless tragedy.

    1. Yes, Mae. And I feel guilty for rejoicing when so many are reeling in grief and fear. I’m torn between two very strong emotions. I’m praying people will stay strong.

    2. The picture that’s always been on my site is the Lake Eola fountain in the center of downtown Orlando where my crime series is based. But you are so right, it’s not just Orlando…so many have been affected.

    1. Thank you, Sue. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the stages of grieving. I’m not ready for acceptance and I feel when I am, it will be because I have done all that I can to take action to prevent hate from ever being expressed this way again.

  2. Oh, Susan. I can imagine how you felt as you drove the distance to their home and banged on the door. It reminded of the woman who kept texting back to her son. Such a terrible event, so many lost. Several weeks ago I was in a movie theatre and suddenly realized what sitting ducks we all were if someone came in with a gun and started shooting.

    1. It’s sad that we would have to carry those sorts of fears around with us. I was listening to a man who worked at Pulse and he was describing the incident and how fifty to sixty people ran toward the back of the room when the first shots rang out, but they froze, paralyzed by fear, not realizing the door was behind them. He was yelling at them to turn around and open the door. Nobody moved. He had to think quickly and decide to act quickly and jumped over the counter and unlatched the door, risking getting shot himself. Crazy, crazy craziness.

  3. I just walked in from my field trip and read this. What a shock to know someone with such close ties. There is a book club member with a similar story, but the ending isn’t as good. I’m glad you and yours are okay and hope you take time to process all of this, the political spin makes me sick, and I’ve avoided the news for that reason.

    1. There are several bad endings that I did not share. There is a lot of suffering right now. I’m going out for pizza with a large group of friends in a few minutes. Peace.

  4. Since August 2015, the city of Dallas has experienced a series of gay-bashing attacks in the Oak Lawn / Cedar Springs area, which is a heavily gay/lesbian-oriented sector. All of the victims have been male, but none of the perpetrators have been caught. The city’s GLB community has rightfully criticized the Dallas police for not taking the problem seriously at first. Up until about the mid-1970s, the Oak Lawn / Cedar Springs area had been known as a “hookers’ haven”; prostitutes prowled the streets day and night. Then the gays started moving in, and – as far as some locals were concerned – it went from bad to worse. But, in fact, the queer folks actually cleaned up the place, and now it’s a much more respectable area. While it’s still known as a “gay” locale, the place is welcoming to anyone and everyone.

    It’s uncanny that your daughter and son-in-law were so close to the scene of that massacre, S.K.! I’m glad they’re safe, but yes, it’s almost a hollow sensation in that so many other families have been so brutally impacted.

  5. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I’m so glad that your daughter and son-in-law are safe. And of course you feel relieved and thankful, while also feeling guilty and saddened. It is awful and horrible that so many were killed and wounded, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be glad that your loved ones were not.

    My daughter and her now-wife were tourists at Disney only a few years ago when they got engaged. I had wondered how it would be for a lesbian couple, but they were made to feel so welcomed. I do not understand homophobia either or why it matters who you love.

  6. Powerful piece, Susan. My heart breaks for Orlando. Such a senseless act with so many lives destroyed. I’m so glad your family is safe, but I still grieve those who weren’t so lucky. *hugs*

    1. Thanks. Yes. Senseless. And we keep doing the same thing expecting different results. Insanity. Grief. Gratitude. Mass confusion. And holding us together; compassion, togetherness, caring…love.

  7. Beautifully expressed SK. I’m glad for your family’s safety and sad that others will use this to promote hate, fear and more war. Thanks for your courage, wisdom and vulnerability. blessings, Brad

  8. It feels personal to me. It always feels personal to me. I have kids that go to school, I go places, I do things, I know people. No one is safe. If people aren’t safe in churches, then none of us are safe. For being in the wrong place at the wrong time, even when we have the right, it feels everyone is a potential victim. We had gone to the Pride Parade on Saturday, and that hit me quickly.
    That being said, I’m glad you’ve shared your personal story, adding to the weight of the pain. People so easily dismiss and move on. But your life is forever changed in a more intimate way than many of us can relate to. I’m sorry the people of your city have lost so much. I’m sorry for us all.

    1. Well said. People dismiss so much, but what else to do. There is a sense of powerlessness. And the living have to move on with their lives with as much normalcy as possible even during war times. And these are war times, even though nothing has been declared.

  9. I saw you over at Craig’s blog and wondered why I am not seeing your stuff in my reader. Popped over here and you ARE blogging. It says I am still following you. I had been hearing about posts not showing up in readers but hadn’t run across it until you. Grrrrr. I am going to unfollow and refollow to see if that works.

    1. That’s happened to me also. Sometimes it works to refollow and sometimes not. I have a friend who has his regular blog and a fiction blog. I’ve followed, unfollowed and refollowed his blog several times and the posts still don’t show up in my email. I don’t know what to do about it. Unless he posts a link from one blog to the other, I never get to read his stories.

  10. I’m half a world away but I have a child too, and my heart broke for you, for those hours of terror when you must have imagined the very worst. This was a beautiful post and I hope those in power stop. And listen. We’re with you Orlando. -hugs-

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