Ten Rationales for Atypical Florida Criminals

Florida is notorious for it’s crazy, whacked-out criminals and bizarre news headlines. Almost everybody has heard about Florida Man…

If you haven’t, you can read all about him here: Tremendous Things Florida Men Accomplished this Year.

And another run down here catches quite a few more: Year in Florida Man 2015.

He’s not one guy. He’s the beginning of many of the bizarre news headlines that come out of Florida or other places where Florida Man has visited.

“Florida Man Throws Alligator into Wendy’s Drive Thru Window”

“Florida Man Tries to Rob Liquor Store with Dead Sting Ray”

“Florida Man Arrested in Utah After Calling 911 Eighty Times to Report Chicken McNuggets Shortage”

“Florida Man Breaks into Jail to Visit Friends”


But he’s not alone. He’s in the company of quite a few Florida Women as you can see here: 50 Most Insane Florida News Headlines of All Times.

And if you would like to keep up with the latest, you can follow @_FloridaMan and @_FloridaWoman on Twitter.

Other states have weirdos, but Florida seems to produce them quicker than feral cats multiply. Why?

Let’s look at the possibilities:

  1. The weather is too nice to stay in school, so ignorance is rampant.
  2. Intense exposure to sunshine fries brain cells.
  3. Governor Rick Scott refuses to accept Federal aid for mental health.
  4. Sand in their underwear causes constant irritation.
  5. There is more alcohol consumed than water.
  6. There is meth in the salt shakers.
  7. Other states give their criminals bus tickets to Florida upon release.
  8. Pesticides and herbicides from all the golf courses have warped their DNA.
  9. Lightening causes an altered acceptable level of reality.
  10. Our jail cells are more comfortable than our affordable hotels or homeless shelters.

I’m not sure if any of my theories are correct, but I’m positive it’s never going to change. These bizarre criminals are getting younger and younger. Since 2011, there have been three stories of teens dressing up as physicians and working in hospital E.R.s and CCUs, even OB/GYN clinics and getting away with it for months…not days, but months.

How do we let this happen?

Seriously. We’re as messed up as the criminals.

What’s your theory?

26 thoughts on “Ten Rationales for Atypical Florida Criminals

  1. Very creative list of ten. And the photos: Let’s just say they are obviously not selfies. A Floridian for nearly 49 years, I try to stay away from Peoples of the Dark Side.

  2. Wow. I had no idea it was this bad. The headlines blew my mind, as did the list of possible reasons why. If it was anyone else’s blog, I might think it’s an exaggeration of the truth.

    • The rationales were stretching it, Sue. My attempt at making funny. But the Headlines are real.

      We joke about our catch and release program. For example, one lady recently had been arrested thirty times. She’s a drug addict and keeps doing stupid stuff.

      We only housed 101,000 last year. Some people say it’s because we shoot to kill down here. (That’s supposed to be a joke, but has some base in reality.)

      Quick stats about conditions:
      Inmates cook more than 85 million meals each year for their fellow inmates.
      The majority of Florida’s state-run prisons ARE NOT air conditioned. All contracted prisons are air conditioned.

      Most prison inmates live in dormitories not cells. Florida State Prison in Starke is the only Florida prison where all inmates live in single cells.

      Most Florida inmates must serve a minimum of 85% of their sentences before release. Inmates released in December 2014 served an average of 85.2% of their sentences. The problem is the super short sentences judges hand down.

  3. Um…wow! You’ve just exposed a side of Florida I don’t hear about to often. Thanks for the dose of weirdness and a huge grin.

    Seriously….80 times over Chicken McNuggets? The guy must have hit the Meth in the salt shakers 🙂

    • He was probably selling it in Utah. WE recently had a woman arrested who had been arrested thirty times. She’s a drug addict and they keep giving her very short sentences. That’s where we get the title of “Catch and Release Program”. Her last adventure left her passed out in a running car with the lights on in the middle of a dangerous highway. They will slap her on the wrist with enough time to detox and send her back to the streets.

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